Where is my favorite vampyre?

This is an old blog, almost old enough to drive! In the early-ish days I was obsessed with Jonathon "the Impailer" Sharkey, a self-proclaimed vampyre who also ran for political office. I particularly was fond of his 2008 presidential campaign, centered on the promise of universal health care and a promise to personally impale President George W. Bush. There is a good overview of Sharkey's history here (unfortunately, the links all all dead so you'll just have to take my word for it about my tip-top sourcing). A few more things happened after that 2008 recap. In 2010, he did a creepy YouTube proposal to his underage girlfriend, which caused her to run away from home to marry him, prompting an intervention by the authorities.

Sharkey mostly disappeared after that, except that he did have a small (less covered) and brief presidential run for the Republican nomination in 2011. In his August 17, 2011 letter to the FEC stating that he was ending his campaign, Sharkey noted that he had "all intentions of running in 2020."

Am I the only one who remembers this stuff? While we don't need more Democratic candidates, Sharkey usually ran as a Republican (and if not, under the Reform Party or as an independent). We could certainly use someone to make the GOP primary more interesting.

Hey Sharkey, when are you going to declare?

vampyre wyll syrve tyme

i think my favorite vampyre is moving on from politics.

also "rocky flash"? when did sharkey start calling himself that? i've been following this closer than anyone, dammit! how could i miss an new pseudonym?

jonathan sharkey on the big little screen!

you can now see "impaler" on hulu.

just in case you haven't gotten enough of the greatest vampyre/politician ever from this blog over the past 3+ years. and yeah, i neglected to blog about his arrest for threatening a 15 year old girl few months back. it's just not that funny. who would have thought that a self-proclaimed vampyre would turn out to be a sicko?

(no, i haven't seen the documentary yet. thanks to hulu, that will change soon!)

vampyre's treehouse burned

no word whether local villagers wielding torches and pitchforks are responsible. so far police have no suspects.

meanwhile, it looks like jonathon "the impaler" sharkey is fighting extradition. but i doubt if this will be resolved in time for the election.

(more on sharkey here)

sharkey update

longtime readers of this blog will remember my obsession with jonathon "the impaler" sharkey. sharkey first came to my attention in 2006 when he ran for governor of minnesota, the first vampyre to seek for such a high office. after some initial enthusiasm in the media, the campaign collapsed due to blatant anti-vampyric bigotry (and also an outstanding warrant for his arrest in indiana).

in 2007, sharkey re-emerged. having been robbed of his chance to be minnesota governor, this time he set his sights even higher and declared that he would run for president of the united states. sharkey kept some of the most popular elements of his platform from the governor's race, including the promise that if elected he would personally impale george w. bush on a stake. oddly, some considered that to be a threat against the president and that triggered an investigation by the secret service. as of last february, sharkey remained free and he had set up a presidential campaign web site. at the time i hypothesized that the secret service must have lost interest and that sharkey would be concentrating on securing the vampyre witches and pagan party nomination.

well i guess i spoke too soon. the government did try to arrest him for threatening the president, stuff happened, there was something about sharkey threatening a judge, and then he disappeared. perhaps he turned into a bat and flew away. no one knew where he was until he was captured last week in tennesee. he would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling kids his neighbors. sharkey accidentally told them that he was the "imperial king of the vampyres" and that he wanted to turn his land into a commune for the blood sucking community. the neighbors totally took it all wrong and called the police.

does this mean the end of sharkey's political career? i'm not convinced. don't count the vampyre out so easily. sure, he might miss a couple of election cycles, but after five years, minus time for good behavior, he'll be back! i'm sure of it.

in the meantime, his vote smart candidate profile is still there. the official campaign site is gone, but the campaign blog is still up (although it hasn't been updated for a while), as is his myspace page. the documentary (imdb) was doing the festival circuit. there's a rumor that it got a distributor and might actually get a theatrical release this month. (at least that's what the wiki page says). if anyone out there wants to send me a copy of the DVD, please feel free.

you'll note that none of the big blogs are bothering to cover this story. remember, rubber hose: the spot for all your jonathon "the impaler" sharkey needs.

intervyew wyth a vampyre

philly's own blinq gets an exclusive intervyew with my absolutely favoritest presidential candidate ever.

the clinton-sharkey ticket is really an intriguing idea. universal health care and impaling our enemies on a stake. i'd like to see you top that obama!

by the way, sharkey's old official campaign site doesn't seem to exist anymore. his new one is here. i bet he's the first presidential candidate to use a free blogspot account for his official campaign web site. what a trailblazer. (though he hasn't posted there for months. the myspace page seems to be more up to date)

for more on my sharkey-obsession see these posts.

sorry obama...

i'm switching my endorsement. long before i came into the obama camp, i was a fan of the self-proclaimed vampyre candidate, jonathon "the impaler" sharkey.

as dedicated rubber hosers will recall, sharkey ran for governor of minnesota in 2006. despite the strong endorsement from this blog, his campaign ended prematurely because of blatant anti-vampyre bigotry--and the revelation that he had two outstanding warrants for his arrest in the state of indiana.

last year, after sharkey managed to clear up that indiana problem, he set his sights on the presidency. however, there were signs that, once again, he might be forced to drop out after the secret service got wind of his campaign promise to personally impale george bush on a stake if elected.

for some reason the secret service concluded it wasn't a serious threat. so sharkey remains free and it looks like his campaign is still on. at least he still has a campaign web site. the site still features his official list of the folks he promises to impale. it still includes george bush, thus showing sharkey's commitment to the issues. frankly i'm a little disappointed that the other candidates have taken no position at all on impalement. don't believe me? check out their web sites. not one of the remaining candidates will even hint at who they plan to impale.

how can we trust any of them if they won't give real straight talk, real change and real experience in impaling their enemies with wooden stakes?

the vampyr returns

it's been over a year since i blogged about jonathon "the impaler" sharkey. you may recall that sharkey was once the vampyre party candidate for governor of minnesota. more importantly, sharkey was also the official satanic vampyre candidate of rubber hose^tm (i blogged about him here, here and here). alas, his candidacy came to an untimely demise after some blatant anti-vampyrism and the discovery that indiana had some outstanding warrants for his arrest.

unfortunately most of the links on my old posts are dead (though you can still read the january 2006 intervyew). his campaign site, in particular, used to be a lot of fun. unlike most candidate who feature empty slogans and please-everybody rhetoric, sharkey's site listed in plain terms what he intended to do as governor. for example, if elected he promised to impale president bush on a wooden stake. how's that for refreshing honesty?

anyway, sharkey's back. i guess that legal trouble in indiana is behind him and he's setting his sights for 2008 even higher. i'm not sure when their convention is, but the vampyr party is prepared to nominate sharkey as its presidential candidate. unfortunately, the secret service is not amused:

The American Secret Service have launched an investigation into one of the candidates for the presidency in 2008 – after he pledged that as President, one of his first acts would be to impale President George W. Bush.

The candidate in question is Jonathon 'The Impaler' Sharkey, and he is running as the only self-described satanic vampire candidate who has so far entered the 2008 race.

Sharkey's pledge to impale President Bush, he makes clear, will only come into effect if he is actually elected to office.

But that has still triggered action by the Secret Service, who say they have a duty to investigate any threats against the president. Sharkey, 42, says that agents from the service visited him at home with his 19-year-old wife, Spree, to investigate his impaling pledge.

Sharkey told The Columbia Chronicle about the visit: 'They were telling me, when they were interrogating me, that their job was to protect Bush even after he's out of office. I'm looking at them like, “Oh, you're going to defy me when I become president?”'

Sharkey previously ran for President in 2004, and has run for Congress several time, occasionally as a Republican.

Darrin Blackford, a spokesman for the Secret Service, disagreed that the investigation was an over-reaction: 'Unfortunately, in our line of work, we can't take that chance.'

But a legal expert is unsure if a case could be made against The Impaler. 'Under the First Amendment, what it boils down to here is whether or not he's a vampire who wants to impale the president,' law professor Neil Richards of Washington University in St. Louis told the Chronicle.

'I guess the question is, if he's a vampire, why is he the one staking people? Shouldn't he want to bite the president and feed on him?' added Richards, describing these questions as 'perhaps further evidence that this is not a true threat.'

Sharkey, meanwhile, seems unconcerned about the investigation. If anything, he feels that the Secret Service may not be taking him seriously enough.

'They never even asked to see my impaling stick,' he complained.

vampyre arrysted

via golden boy from the comments, i learned that my favorite vampyre candidate in the minnesota governor's race has been arrested. apparently, the state of indiana had two outstanding warrants for his arrest. doh!

GB seems to think this means the end of his campaign. but i'm not sure if it does. eugene debs ran for president from his prison cell, so why can't jonathon "the impaler" sharkey? i actually don't think this hurts his chances at all. the odds that he will make it to the governor's mansion are exactly the same as they were before his arrest. he probably won't lose any votes from this at all (unless felons don't have the vote in minnesota. if he's disenfranchised that could knock out a substantial percentage of his support)

besides, no mortal cell would be able to hold a true vampyre. unless the bars are made of garlic or the jail is surrounded by a line of salt, he should be flying back to minnesota as soon as he gets a chance to turn into a bat. fly sharkey fly!!!

intervyew with a vampyre

go read this exclusive interview with my favorite candidate in the minnesota governor race.

(via cursor)

where's buffy when you need her?

vampyre announces run for governor of minnesota

p.s. you just gotta click around his campaign web site. it's got everything, even a rambling diatribe about star wars (the film series, not the missile defense plan). i can't think of any other political candidate that has a button on the official campaign web site called "impalement" as well as an impassioned defense of vlad himself ("To some, Impaling may be medieval. However, history has proved that it is a strong deterrent against those who prey upon innocent.")

actually, maybe this guy has a chance to win the minnesota race. he was a professional wrestler after all.